Sometimes It Aint About You…

An article from huffingtonpost.com, What To Do When You Don’t Like Your Friends Spouse-To-Be, encourages you to first and foremost ask yourself why you don’t like him or her? Does it have to do with you or with your friend, or with the spouse? There are so many underlying reasons why we don’t like our friend’s partners that really have nothing to do with him. Women have such intimate friendships with each other, it’s easy to blame the boyfriend for taking her away. It takes a great amount of selflessness to not be jealous when our best friends, whose time was devoted to us, is now shared with someone else. Sometimes “shared” isn’t even the word. It’s more like “taken” by someone else.

I was living with one of my closest friends when I met Mike. It was really important for me that the two get along. Unfortunately, this was not the case, not at first. It actually took some time.  My friend admits it was tough for her to give her “bestie” up. You kind of have to mourn your old friendship. Luckily, they are now friends, and even enjoy each others time without me. (Enter sarcastic joke about how “you bet they do”.)

As far as what to do when you don’t like your friends’ spouse. Your friend more often than not, already knows it. Perhaps, she is refusing to admit it to herself because it’s a lot of weight to hold. My cousin was married for a year before she ended up getting a divorce. She says she wished someone would have said something to her before she decided to marry her ex-husband. This however, is a very slippery slope and may lead to you two no longer being friends. It’s like they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. And it may have been her journey she needed to take.

It has been my experience to keep your mouth shut. Most of the time, when we first meet our friends’ significant others we are doing the “dirty” work they didn’t do yet. We are scrutinizing their every move and every word.

We are examining them from afar, when they get up to go to the bathroom, how they walk, how they smile, how they order. The poor guys are already in the dog house and it’s up to them to get themselves out, which can take a lot of work. Behind our smiles and our friendly banter we are leafing through every reason they’re single while figuring out the “real” reasons they want to be with our friends. All of a sudden in one meeting, we become private detectives with psychology degrees.

So, when we decide that we don’t like him, that it doesn’t matter how much work he does it won’t amount to him being worthy of our friend, well, both parties involved probably know. And sometimes the best thing to do is stay out of it.

The good news is, you aren’t the one marrying him. Also, as much as you know your friend, there are actually sides of her you don’t know. And this guy most likey appeals to those aspects. I know, it hurts the ego a bit to think you may not appeal to her whole being, it’s the truth. We bring wonderful things out in our best friends, but so do their spouses. We will never know what goes on behind closed doors, we can only hope for the best and be there when we are needed. Hopefully, the favor is returned.

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6 thoughts on “Sometimes It Aint About You…

  1. You make some great points in this post. I’d never thought about it before, but people in a new relationship might still be in that “love is blind” stage when they meet each other’s friends — and those friends may be seeing things much more clearly. It’s a tricky situation.

    • It’s true, it is a tricky situation. And it’s hard to watch your friends and family members make stupid decisions in the name of love. But, I guess that’s the nature of the beast.

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