20 Ways Married Women Betray Our Single Girlfriends

I found this article on Huffington Post.  I know I’m guilty of at least three of them…

I got to chatting online with a friend this week, a single, child-free woman in her mid-thirties who I think — and you would too, if you met her — is extraordinary. She’s wicked smart, super attractive and she is dedicating her career to helping make the world a better place. She’s a total catch.

But here’s the catch: She’s single. And worried, or at least feeling a gentle yet persistent tug, as if she’s missing out on something because of her relationship status. My conversation with her affirmed something I’ve known for a while, which many of us married ladies will probably never willingly admit: We are betraying our single female friends in a really big way.

“Oh no, not me!” you declare. You love your single friends. You value the diversity they bring to your life. Who cares if they’re married? Not you. You are a loving, empathic, supportive and non-judgmental woman who wants your friends to find happiness and fulfillment in life and that’s it. If marriage is not in the cards for them, well, who the heck cares?

Ok, I believe you. And despite the fact that I believe you, I still think many of us, myself included, are betraying (or being less than forthright with) our single gal pals. To prove my point, I now present the top 20 ways married women suck when it comes to our single girlfriends:

1. We ask you if you’ve met “someone special” too often.

2. We tell our hubbies way too much about your relationship troubles.

3. We use your breakups to feel relief that no matter how bad our marriage gets, at least we’re not dating anymore.

4. We don’t share with you that some of our loneliest life moments have taken place during marriage.

5. We think you’re better in bed than we are.

6. We’re jealous of your freedom.

7. We secretly think you’d be more flexible if you had a partner.

8. We envy that you don’t have to compromise all the time.

9. We wish we had time, like you do, to do whatever the heck we want.

10. We tell you awful things about our partners and then expect you to forget them once we’ve moved on.

11. We worry about you being alone. And lonely.

12. We put pressure on you to get married and have kids.

13. We’re embarrassed that you see how we launder our husbands’ underwear, give up our careers and take on other traditional gender roles.

14. We expect you to understand and immediately forgive us when we don’t call, email or text you back.

15. We sometimes make you feel, intentionally or not, that your life is not complete until you find a spouse and have a family.

16. We think you’re too picky.

17. We don’t tell you that you should be exactly who you are when you meet someone, because he will see every good and bad thing about you eventually, so you might as well get it out now.

18. We don’t tell you we notice that you keep making the same mistakes with the people you date.

19. We give you relationship advice even though we have no idea what we’re talking about and haven’t had sex with our husbands in months.

20. We don’t tell you that getting hitched will not solve your problems or make you feel better about yourself.

If you’re like me, you figured out pretty quickly that marriage is not a magic bullet. It does not take away your problems or improve your self-esteem. If you’re like me, you know that attempting to blend your bumps and bruises with another person’s is a lifelong project that requires infinite amounts of care, patience and forgiveness. So, why do we subtly pressure our friends to join us? And why do we encourage them to buy into the notion that we are not complete as women until we find a life partner and have kids?

To all the single gals in my life, I apologize for asking you too often if you’ve met someone special or for telling hubby about your relationship woes. I’m sorry I haven’t shared with you that I think the guys you date have serious intimacy issues and will probably never give you what you want. I hope you will always tell me about your latest adventure in some far-off land, the awesome gig you just landed or a new, sexy move that I can try out with my honey. Our marital status might be different, but I can promise you this: We’re far more alike than you’ll ever know.

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Sometimes It Aint About You…

An article from huffingtonpost.com, What To Do When You Don’t Like Your Friends Spouse-To-Be, encourages you to first and foremost ask yourself why you don’t like him or her? Does it have to do with you or with your friend, or with the spouse? There are so many underlying reasons why we don’t like our friend’s partners that really have nothing to do with him. Women have such intimate friendships with each other, it’s easy to blame the boyfriend for taking her away. It takes a great amount of selflessness to not be jealous when our best friends, whose time was devoted to us, is now shared with someone else. Sometimes “shared” isn’t even the word. It’s more like “taken” by someone else.

I was living with one of my closest friends when I met Mike. It was really important for me that the two get along. Unfortunately, this was not the case, not at first. It actually took some time.  My friend admits it was tough for her to give her “bestie” up. You kind of have to mourn your old friendship. Luckily, they are now friends, and even enjoy each others time without me. (Enter sarcastic joke about how “you bet they do”.)

As far as what to do when you don’t like your friends’ spouse. Your friend more often than not, already knows it. Perhaps, she is refusing to admit it to herself because it’s a lot of weight to hold. My cousin was married for a year before she ended up getting a divorce. She says she wished someone would have said something to her before she decided to marry her ex-husband. This however, is a very slippery slope and may lead to you two no longer being friends. It’s like they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. And it may have been her journey she needed to take.

It has been my experience to keep your mouth shut. Most of the time, when we first meet our friends’ significant others we are doing the “dirty” work they didn’t do yet. We are scrutinizing their every move and every word.

We are examining them from afar, when they get up to go to the bathroom, how they walk, how they smile, how they order. The poor guys are already in the dog house and it’s up to them to get themselves out, which can take a lot of work. Behind our smiles and our friendly banter we are leafing through every reason they’re single while figuring out the “real” reasons they want to be with our friends. All of a sudden in one meeting, we become private detectives with psychology degrees.

So, when we decide that we don’t like him, that it doesn’t matter how much work he does it won’t amount to him being worthy of our friend, well, both parties involved probably know. And sometimes the best thing to do is stay out of it.

The good news is, you aren’t the one marrying him. Also, as much as you know your friend, there are actually sides of her you don’t know. And this guy most likey appeals to those aspects. I know, it hurts the ego a bit to think you may not appeal to her whole being, it’s the truth. We bring wonderful things out in our best friends, but so do their spouses. We will never know what goes on behind closed doors, we can only hope for the best and be there when we are needed. Hopefully, the favor is returned.

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