Bringing Sexy Back

(Continued…) an article from knot.com, 7 Relationship Mistakes Even the Smartest Couples Make, provides us with the seven most common blunders we make once we are married or become settled in our relationships.

Mistake # 3: Not Having Enough Sex

The knot.com says 60% of newlyweds surveyed were already in a sex rut. However, the more research I did the more I found it to be practically inevitable and it’s not as bad as you think it is.  According to sexual health expert, Dr. Laura Berman, newlyweds may feel that their sex lives have slowed down, but they are still having more sex than single people and the sex is more varied. (Something to keep in mind when you start daydreaming of greener pastures. Were you really having that much sex when you were single?  Was it really that great? Really?)

The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University compiled statistics from 5,865 people. “An average of 61 percent of singles claimed they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18 percent of married people.”

So, not all is lost. This could be a good opportunity to challenge yourself…think outside the box. (Still considering the ‘box’ of course.) Two things we are not supposed to do: think that we are the only ones going through it and compare ourselves to other couples.

I remember when my friend, Cara, was just starting a relationship. She and her boyfriend couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. I told her to enjoy it because it’s almost impossible to keep things going at that rate. She didn’t believe me, “I think it’s just how we are.” All I could do was smile and quietly nod as though I knew something she didn’t — like she was my little girl and she was going to have to go through puberty, but she didn’t think it would happen to her. It’s just a natural progression. Now, Cara and I joke about our sex lives and reminisce about “the way we were” — the days we put romance novels to shame.

Of everything I’ve read, talking about it seems to be the most common thread of advice.

There are ways to overcome these problems, but they take a level of honesty that some people might find embarrassing.  However, it is much better to be open than to lose your happiness.newlywedforums.com

Communication is the key to bedroom bliss throughout your marriage.- Dr. Ruth

Sometimes I like to be completely candid and bring it up as though I were talking about the weather during say, breakfast, or a phone call where it would otherwise have no place.

“Hey babe. So, we don’t need any onions right?

Because we still have…the one… yeah, okay.

Well, I’m on my way. Also, did you maybe want to be naked when I got there?

Okay, sounds good. See you in a bit.”

Or maybe just in passing:

“What were you thinking about eating for dinner tonight…

I was thinking maybe (enter name you give your privates)”

I’ll spare you my blunt and awkward reply. I don’t know all of you well enough yet, and I want you to still like me.

The next most common advice I’ve read to bettering your sex life is to prioritize it. Schedule it. Write reminders on sticky notes. Put it on your Google calendars. Just make it happen.

Sex is something you have to make time for and the sooner you get in the habit of it, the more you’ll start wanting it.-The knot.com

My favorite, however, is from Dr. Laura Burman who suggests kissing for at least 10 seconds everyday. Sounds cheesy, I know, but I promise it works.

A Thank You Note…

Helen Gurley Brown died Aug. 13, she was 90-years-old.

When I heard Helen Gurley Brown passed away earlier this week, ashamed to say, I really didn’t know who she was. The more I learned about her the more I wished I had. She was the Editor-in-Chief of Cosmopolitan magazine in 1967. Helen attributed to the success of women having sexual freedom and healthy relationships today.

We all have memories of the first time we read Cosmopolitan. I am the youngest of four, my oldest sister, Valerie, is ten years older than me. I remember when my sister used to come home from college and bring her Cosmo. My brother, Colin, (who is just year older than me) and I would steal the magazine and bring it downstairs to the basement. It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I was just as surprised by the beautiful women as my brother was. They didn’t have any freckles, they had all their teeth, and they had boobs! I remember the surge of envy and excitement that shot through me. I so badly wanted to be where they were: an adult woman who had conquered puberty and could go buy bubble gum and fake cigarettes any time she wanted.

In her article, “Why You and I Need to Thank Cosmopolitan’s Helen Gurley Brown-RIP,” Bonnie Fuller writes: “When you look at the opportunities that you have today to choose the college and career of your choice. The fact that you have equal relationships with the men you love, and that you can have a sex life that you enjoy — you have to thank Helen.”

Helen is also known for writing, Sex and the Single Girl. A book that caused much commotion at the time it was published, 1962.

Dr. Ruth says, while she may be known for opening the airwaves for women to discuss sex, it was really Helen Gurley Brown who allowed it all to happen in the first place. In an article by Ruth Westheimer, from cnn.com, “I’ve been given a lot of credit for opening up the airwaves to frank sexual material, but I doubt without Helen Gurley Brown’s pioneering articles in Cosmopolitan that I could have gotten away with as much as I did.”

In her article, Fuller says, “You were supposed to become a housewife, defer to your husband and forget about thinking about sexual fulfillment — you weren’t supposed to talk, think or have sex until you were married. And even then, there was no such thing for women as HOT sex.”

Helen also stressed the importance of women seeking out careers in order to gain not only financial independence but also, a sense of self-fulfillment in a time when women were, “the most discriminated group in America.”

Thank you Helen for your bravery in enduring all of the criticism from men and women in order to  give us the gift of shamelessly embracing our sexuality.

There Ain’t no Shame or Blame in that Game.

In Marie Claire’s August issue, there is an article titled, “The Secret to Having more Sex,” that claims you can have more sex if you visualize it. Researchers at Dartmouth University ran tests on 48 women while they looked at pictures of food, animals, nature and people having sex. The portions of the brain that causes pleasure, the nucleus accumbens, had greater activity  in those who responded well to the to the sexual imagery. The women with the higher responses had more sex the following six months. This brings me to the obvious conclusion: women could have more sex if they allowed porn to be in their lives.

First of all, it’s no secret Fifty Shades of Grey is known for it’s racy material. According to Wikipedia, “It is notable for it’s explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism,masochism.” The series has sold 40 million copies worldwide. It has become the best-selling book in Britain surpassing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows with 5.3 million copies. According to hypable.com, Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has outsold Harry Potter sales overall in Amazon’s UK store. I think there’s a void that needs to be filled here people. I have yet to read the book, but haven’t ruled it out.

Also, it’s obvious why the Twilight movies have such a huge following among, yes tweens, but also, women of all ages. It all started with Jacob removing his shirt and not putting it back on… for the rest of the series.

If the Dartmouth University study is true, maybe that’s why the sales of these items are so high. It’s our acceptable version of porn and perhaps, if we embraced these images more often, our sex lives would be, well, enhanced.

In O, The Oprah Magazine, an article by Rachel Bertsche, written back in July of ’07, focuses on adult films for women. “We asked porn reviewer Violet Blue to recommend a starter kit of quality adult films.” Here is the list of suggestions:

  • Cult Epic’s Vintage Erotica Series: takes place in 1920’s, pre-plastic surgery. Heads-up, some of the action is a little more “hardcore”.
  • Chemistry: Actors who live together for a period of time are filmed. Shot like a reality series.
  • The Bi Apple: sex blogger, Audacia Ray, directs a film about one woman’s journey of discovering her bi-sexuality.

Also, in Women’s Health is an article titled, “Chick Flicks,” shows several adult films that are female friendly. Here are some of their suggestions.

  • Pornstar Workout: a music video inspired film with yoga, pilates, aerobics and sex.
  • The Opening of Mist Beethoven: a combination of song, dance and sex shot on location in both Italy and New York.
  • This Ain’t Star Trek XXX:perhaps you could ask your man if he wants to watch Stark Trek and throw this number in instead. The whole crew is there, but this time it’s a different type of galaxy being explored.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is some really bad porn out there. I have an older brother whose friends brought it over to our house and every time, I’d come downstairs my brother would make his friends pause it (because he didn’t want his little sister to see it). Well, thanks for the protection big bro. but we were only a year apart, I was a Junior in High School and pausing it, really only made it worse.

(FYI, if you decide to give it a go and watch a film, don’t hit pause if someone comes into the room and you don’t want them to know what you are watching. It backfires big time.)

Kama Sutra drawing

There is a lot of shame for women to admit they would watch a porn but, the industry is as old as time.People have been looking at images of humans engaged in sex since we’ve been able to communicate through drawings. There are pictures on cave walls of stick figures in different sexual positions. Kama Sutra, for example is an ancient Indian Hindu text on human sexual behavior. Historians believe it to be composed between 400 BCE and 200 CE. It’s really a natural part of our human existence. The sooner we can laugh it off or even possibly allow ourselves to explore it, the sooner we may shake another side of sex that’s tied to shame. (I’m also, only talking to women here.)

I’m assuming these aren’t in the four star category, but I couldn’t resist. Here is my list of, Best Titles:

  • A Clear and Present Stranger
  • Add Mamma to the Train
  • Driving Miss Daisy Crazy
  • Forrest Hump
  • For Your Ass Only
  • I Know Who You Did Last Summer
  • Men in Back
  • Romancing the Bone
  • Saturday Night Beaver

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Unshakable Hope

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